THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING PLAY YOU WILL EVER SEE

Cast of Characters

CHARLES

A man

ANNIE

A women

Jim

A Boy

NARRATOR

 

Act I

Scene I

SETTING: Empty stage except for one single chair and a desk place center stage, on the desk is a keyboard and a computer monitor. it’s one of those cheap metal foldable chairs. The desk is set up backwards facing AWAY from the audience. Curtin’s are closed.

 

AT RISE: A voice comes over the intercom. There is nobody on stage.

 

NARRATOR

Hello. I’m going to tell you a story. This is no ordinary story however. This story may very well be the best story that you will ever have the pleasure of seeing, and I’m going to tell you right off the bat, that there are absolutely no clichés in this entire Story. Its that good. I wouldn’t be surprised if you go crying to your great aunt Bertha about how heart wrenchingly symbolic and meaningful this play was for you. How you’re going to spend the next 468 days in a dark alleyway injecting Adderall and Morphine into your body trying to figure out the meaning of this play, and in turn the meaning to your VERY OWN EXISTENCE ON THIS PLANET! But I digress, I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Alright ladies and gentlemen,

onto The Play.

  

(The curtains open, a Man- early 30s is sitting in the chair, faced AWAY from the audience, he is pushing buttons on a keyboard, completely unaware of his surroundings)

NARRATOR

This is Charles, He works at an ordinary office, for an ordinary company. Day after day he pushes buttons on an ordinary keyboard. On the screen next to the keyboard are commands that blink across it, telling him what buttons to push, and when to push them. You could say that his life is Ordinary. That is, until one day when something very unordinary happened to him.

 

(Charles yawns, and then continues to push buttons)

 

NARRATOR

It was around 3:00 in the afternoon; Charles was relentlessly pushing buttons as the commands flew across the screen in front of him. But all of a sudden the screen went black.

(Screen shuts off)

Charles froze, this has never happened in all the years he has worked at the company. His heart started beating. What was he supposed to do? Would his boss fire him? Would he die!? Charles decided to get up from the desk and…

 

(Charles is still sitting at the desk, facing away from the audience)

 

CHARLES

What the hell? What’s that sound?

 

NARRATOR

I said Charles gets up from his desk to look around…

 

CHARLES

What? I’m not getting up. I’m quite comfortable where I am!

 

NARRATOR

Charles, get up, you’re ruining our show.

 

CHARLES

What show? (Charles stands up, still facing away from the audience) Who the hell am I talking to? Ugh never mind, Maybe I’m going crazy… I’ve been in the office to long today; I think its time for a lunch break.

 

(Still facing away from the audience, Charles starts to walk to the right)

 

 

NARRATOR

Right, Charles got up from his desk like he was suppose to and our story went back on track. He was about to head off to lunch when he heard a loud sc…

 

 

CHARLES

What the hell? Why is everything made out of wood, Where are the cubicles? And what’s that voice? It sounds like its coming from speakers?

 

NARRATOR

 

Charles, Shutup! You’re ruining my perfect narration of the wonderful play that we had planned out.

 

CHARLES

Wha.. What play? (Charles freezes, and then starts shaking, he looks around some more) Where the hell am I! what happened to my office?! Who the fuck are you?

 

NARRATOR

Charles Calm down, you’re scaring the audience. Stop and think for a moment, don’t you find it odd that you were working at a desk in the middle of a stage? You’re in the middle of a performance, pucker up and do your job!

 

CHARLES

I’m not an actor in a play! I’m a 30 year old man who works at a real estate company! What’s going on!?

 

NARRATOR

Look around Charles, there are people waiting for a performance! Mostly from my narration.

 

(Charles then looks towards the audience)

 

CHARLES

What. The. Fuck. Who are you people?! (Shaking uncontroablbly) I..I I… I..I…I..uh..Umm. Umm.

 

NARRATOR

Oh dear! our poor Charles has stage fright. I’m terribly sorry ladies and gentlemen, technical difficulties. Usually they turn out much better, Give me a moment.

 

(Curtains close, Flash of light, Loud bang. Curtains reopen, Charles is laying dead on the floor, blood rushing out)

 

NARRATOR

(Overly Sarcastic) Oh no. It looks like our Charles had a terrible accident.

No problem, I can find another!

 

(Curtains close, another flash of light, loud bang, curtains reopen.  A girl- about 20 years old is facing right, She is wearing headphones and is chewing gum, completely unaware of her surroundings. There is a screen on a stand. She mimes putting groceries into a bag, on the floor lays Charles body, still very much dead.)

 

NARRATOR

RIGHT! This one should be better!

Onto The Play.

 

This is Annie. She works at an ordinary supermarket, in an ordinary town. Day after day she puts food inside ordinary bags. There is Screen next to Annie that tells her what food to put into the bag and where to put them. Annie also likes music, her favorite artists include Taylor Swift and Panic at the Disco. She is very basic; you could say she is almost ordinary. That is…until one day, when something very unordinary happened to her.

 

(Annie starts to hum quietly)

 

NARRATOR

It was around 9:00 at night; Annie was working very hard to put the food inside of the bag. There was nobody in the supermarket at this time, but Annie never questioned her duty! She just continued to work away at the meaningless task. Suddenly, everything went very quiet, a blood-hurtling noise sounded off from the distance. Annie tur…

 

ANNIE

(Singing badly, eyes closed and unaware of the narrators voice)

 

♫mmm, it feels like a perfect night, to dress up like hipsters, and make fun of exes, uh huh, uh huh.♫

 

NARRATOR

I said Annie turned around to check out the..

 

 

 

 

ANNIE

♫I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU!, But I’m feeling 22! Uh huh! Uh huh!♫

 

NARRAOR

Ugh, I hate this song.

 

ANNIE

(Takes off the headphones at last and opens her eyes)

WOAH, I’m a theatre? What happened to the supermarket?

 

NARRATOR

 

Oh, You’re done. Now we can FINALLY get back to the show before our audience gets starts to get angry.

 

ANNIE

Who are you? Wait I’m in a show? HELL YEAH! Hold on a sec man, I gotta get prepared for this (Takes out a joint and starts smoking)

 

NARRATOR

Wha. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? THAT WASN’T IN YOUR SCRIPT! YOU’RE GOING TO START A FIRE! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

 

ANNIE

What script? I go with the flow old man.

NARRATOR

Annie. I need you to go and see what the noise was from before, so you don’t ruin the interesting and powerful narrative that I have planned out.

 

ANNIE

Audience? There’s an AUDIENCE? (turns around) OH MY GOD this is amazing. (Takes out her phone and starts taking pictures)

 

NARRATOR

(Pauses) Oh for fucks sake you moronic imbecile! …. I can see that you are worse then Charles…

(Curtains closes, flash of light, loud bang, Curtains reopen, Annie is laying dead on the floor, blood rushing out)

 

NARRATOR

I’m so sorry ladies and gentlemen, it’s SO HARD to find good actors nowadays. Everyone is either to oblivious or so narcissistic that they can’t see anything beyond “The Selfie.” Anyways, third time’s the charm eh?

 

(Curtains close, flash of light, Curtains reopen, A boy- aged 6 is sitting on the ground facing TOWARD the audience. He is playing with Legos; The bodies of Annie and Charles are laying on the ground. Still dead)

 

NARRATOR

(Talks to themselves) This one better work. I’m gradually getting impatient….

 

Alright onto The Play

 

NARRATOR

This is Jim. Jim is an ordinary Boy. Day after day Jim plays with the same set of Legos. He doesn’t build anything particularly interesting with them. There is an imaginary TV next to Jim that tells him what Legos to take out and where to put them. You could say that Jim is almost ordinary; that is, until one day, when something very interesting happened to him.

 

(Jim is facing forward; completely aware he is on a stage. He has not touched the Legos)

 

NARRATOR

It was around 10:00 in the morning; Jim was sitting at his house attempting to build a simple block with the Legos…

 

(Jim, sitting in silence, starts to build a block building)

 

NARRATOR

Suddenly out of the blue! A loud gunshot was heard! Jim got up to see what the noise was.

 

(Jim gets up, not taking his eyes from the audience; he steps forward until he is on the very edge of the stage

 

NARRATOR

This is..This is going a lot better then I expected (cough) Ahem, anyways, Jim turned around to see what the noise was, his heart was beating so fast! He was scared for his little life, A shadowy figure came…

 

 

 

JIM

(Not taking his eyes off of the audience)

No.

 

NARRATOR

No? No what? AHEM anyways, the shadowy figure step…

 

JIM

No.

 

NARRATOR

WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO? YOU’RE MY LAST CHANCE FOR SUCCESS JIM, WHY DO ALL OF THE FUCKING ACTORS IN THIS PLAY CONSTANTLY FAIL TO DO THEIR JOBS, WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM PAYING YOU FOR GODDAMMIT! Wait…. I don’t pay you.

 

JIM

No.

 

NARRATOR

Jim, I’m desperate here, please do this for me. I promise I won’t disintegrate your parents.

 

JIM

No.

(Jim clenches his fist.)

 

NARRATOR

Jim? NO what are you doing? Stop!

 

JIM

No. (Clenches harder)

 

NARRATOR

OW! JIM STOP it! Please, lets talk about this huh?

 

JIM

Why?

 

NARRATOR

Oh finally, you’re acting like a normal person. Now if you could just lower your hands?

 

JIM

(Walks over to Charles and Annie, Places his hand on them)

No. Reset.

 

 

NARRATOR

Y..you want me to reset the show? But all these people! We can’t do that! What if they get bored? What if they get tired? We’ve already wasted enough of their time!

 

JIM

(Starts to hold his breath)

 

NARRATOR

Stop it Jim!

 

(Jim continues to hold his breathe, staring starkly ahead)

 

NARRATOR

No! PLEASE JIM! (Sound of despair) Ok, I’ll do a reset.

 

JIM

(Gives thumbs up. Then lies on the floor next to Charles and Annie)

 

NARRATOR

Well. Ok then. Here we go.

 

(Curtains close, flash of light, Curtains reopen, the stage is clear, there is nothing except for a single chair, a desk, and a computer monitor. A man is sitting facing backwards, AWAY from the audience)

 

NARRATOR

This is Charles. He is an ordinary man.

 

(BLACKOUT)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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