SPIDERMAN BUYING CHEETOS WHILE JUGGLING THREE TOMATOS

Cast of Characters

Kinsie

Kinsie is a starving artist

living in a crumby little

apartment. She hopes to make

it as a BIG Hollywood actress

one day, but that day can’t

come soon enough

BATMAN

I’m Batman. (Preferably

sounding like Christian Bale)

Boy

Little boy, 6-9

Mother

The Boy’s mother

Jonah

A convenience store clerk, Jonah

is a Kindhearted yet simple guy, he

has known Kinsie since she moved to LA

3 years ago

Guy

Arnold Trump

The glorious winner of

the CA State Lottery, Mr.Trump

doesn’t really give a damn

about the Common folk.

he also likes walls. A lot

Lassie

A mute

Act I

Scene I

SETTING:

Hollywood Street corner, a few buildings, some celebrity stars on the ground.

AT RISE:

Dressed in a full length, pieced together-scrappy looking Spiderman costume with no mask, Kinsie is pacing back and fourth sometimes yelling Spiderman catch phrases and posing in an overly dramatic fashion. A crowd of people is walking in both directions, Occasionally pausing and taking a picture of the buildings, but they are completely ignoring Kinsie.

KINSIE

Who wants to take a picture with the AMAZING Spiderman!? Only 5 bucks

(A little boy and mother pass by, the BOY sees Kinsie and points.)

BOY

Are you a girl? Spiderman can’t be a girl!

KINSIE

Hey Kid! Spiderman can be whatever the hell they damn want, Just because you were raised in a heterosexual, gender stereotyped household, doesn’t mean you have to display that shit for everyone in public.

BOY

You’re weird.

MOTHER

Come on honey, Lets leave the hobo alone.

(Grabs Boy’s hand and heads off stage)

KINSIE

Shit.

(Kinsie starts pacing again, desperately trying to get peoples attention)

KINSIE

Come on! Don’t you people want to take a picture with Spiderman! No…? What if I do a handstand? Or I juggle some tomatoes? Will you give me a few bucks then!?

(Kinsie is completely ignored by everyone, A person dressed in a extremely nice Batman costume suddenly walks through the crowd of people, he has a sign that says I’m BATMAN!! Pictures-$20, Written in huge lettering. He is also carrying a green bucket that says BAT FUND, Alfred died. He sets up right next to where Kinsie is standing, then starts flapping his arms everywhere, almost punching Kinsie in the face. He stops and stands completely still for a couple of seconds)

BATMAN

I’m Batman.

(A crowd of people starts cheering, several children ask to have pictures taken, Batman’s green bucket is gradually filling up with cash)

(Kinsie’s mouth drops open, then she gathers herself up and walks over to the Batman)

KINSIE

Hey, Um Sir, you can’t just barge over here and start stealing all my customers, it’s kind of rude. Not to mention, I was here first!

(Batman ignores her, he is obviously busy getting all the attention from the crowd, and they cheer again, wildly waving $20 bills above their heads)

(Kinsie sighs, then pushes her way further towards Batman)

KINSIE

Excuse me sir! (Kinsie forces her way through the crowd) You mind NOT character acting here! I need the money so I can make rent on my crappy little apartment, pay for my useless fucking agent, and no go insane from having to do this every god-damn day.

BATMAN

(Batman finally notices Kinsie, they stare at her for awhile while flapping their arms up and down)

I’m Batman.

KINSIE

No you’re not! You’re just some guy in a costume who’s failing at life.

BATMAN

I am the night, My underwear is black…

I…AM…THE…BATMAN!!!

(Batman picks Kinsie up and throws her outside of the crowd of people that has now formed around them; they begin to cheer loudly and start throwing their food and drinks at Kinsie)

KINSIE

Ugh, screw this. (Kinsie gets up and makes her way offstage)

(Blackout)

Act 1

Scene 2

SETTING:

An average looking Convenience Store, counter, a big LOTTERY Sign, Jonah is looking bored.

AT RISE:

Kinsie walks in while still wearing the Spiderman costume and covered in food junk. She starts browsing around. Jonah takes notice of her

JONAH

(Chuckles) what happened this time?

KINSIE

(Doesn’t take her eyes away from the bag of chips she is looking at) Leave it Jonah! I can’t deal with your shit today.

JONAH

Woah, somebody’s grouchy, did you skip the pill this morning?

KINSIE

Did you skip the douchebag pill this morning?

JONAH

(Smirking) Good comeback. Hey did you see that thing on TV yesterday, about that guy who won the California State Lottery?

KINSIE

No… I didn’t see that thing Jonah. I don’t have a TV, I’m Poor. Also; why should I care?

JONAH

Well; apparently this guy is OBSESSED with Spiderman… Like creepily obsessed. He said he wants to use his winnings to make a documentary about marrying and doing the dirty with…Spiderman.

KINSIE

What the fuck?

JONAH

I KNOW! And I guess he wants Spiderman to get Prego in the movie! And then have children that later develop 8 legs! Like I said, this guy is an A class weirdo. I think you should totally audition for it!

KINSIE

Jonah… What the actual fuck?

JONAH

Aww come on! You know you need the money. And I bet the publicity from the movie would be great for your career

KINSIE

It would destroy my career! (pauses, sighs, and says quietly so Jonah doesn’t hear) my nonexistent career…

JONAH

Fine, have it your way. (goes back to doing nothing at the counter, pauses, then asks) Oh by the way, I got this letter delivered to my apartment by accident, I think it might be yours. (reaches out to hand Kinsie the letter)

KINSIE

Give me that! (grabs letter, rips it open and begins to read, Kinsie’s face drops, she looks horrified) Jonah… I..I’m so fucked!

JONAH

When aren’t you?

KINSIE

No seriously.. I’ completely screwed! You remember last summer when I broke my leg?

JONAH

OH YEAH! When that bus hit you?

KINSIE

That’s the one! Well..I kinda…might have forgotten to pay off the medical bill…on purpose…Because doctors are the bane of America.

JONAH

Oh…I see.

KINSIE

And now they want me to pay them 3 billion 700 thousand dollars in expenses.

JONAH

That’s quite the gargantuan sum of money.

KINSIE

WHAT DO I DO? I’m freaking out! You don’t have a rich uncle do you?

JONAH

Not that I know of. (Pauses, looks around) Ok, the way I see it you have 3 choices here;

One, you can look to the Russian mob, although that could leave you in a lot more debt in the long run…also, you might die. Two, you can become a lady of the night, I would carry condoms with you everywhere, and possibly a gun, OR three! This one is my favorite! You become the Prego Spiderman!

KINSIE

Well, that doesn’t leave me with many choices (sighs loudly) Ok, Jonah; I will audition for Spiderman.

JONAH

YAY!

(Blackout)

Act 2

 

Scene 1

SETTING:

The Auditions: a plain looking hallway on one side of the stage. A few boxes, there is a big sign in the center that reads “Fifty Shades of Spiderman”

AT RISE:

A large group of people is pacing about, practicing lines and monologues. A majority are wearing Spiderman costumes, some are stuffing their shirts with pillows and singing completely random songs such as Christmas carols and Rap music, Kinsie rushes on stage wearing normal street clothes and clutching a small piece of paper.

KINSIE

(Walks up to a guy who is not in a costume) Excuse me, is this the audition for the movie?

GUY

(Clears throat) Have patience, Sir; O! Let it not be so;

Herein you war against your reputation

And draw within the compass of suspect!

To know the reason of this strange restraint

If by strong hand you offer to break in

A vulgar comment will be made of it,

And dwell upon your grave when you are dead.

KINSIE

I’m going to take that as a yes…

(A man wearing a nice suit walks out of a room on the left and points to the GUY, he gets up and walks over to the room, Kinsie find a place to sit down)

Relax Kinsie! You got this. Just nail the audition, get paid, and then you can go back to your shitty life as a street actress.

(Suddenly a man wearing a Batman costume and carrying a pillow comes into the hallway, he takes a seat right next to Kinsie

BATMAN

I’m Batman!

KINSIE

Fuck.

BATMAN

Why so serious?

KINSIE

I’m done with you. Please leave me alone; You’ve already ruined my life enough. (Kinsie turns away and tries to ignore Batman)

(Suddenly, Batman starts talking like a normal person)

BATMAN

Hey, um, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to steal your thunder back at Hollywood Boulevard. You were killing it as Spiderman by the way! And I’m sorry for throwing you. (Blushes) I just thought you were cute.

KINSIE

(Blushes a bit) Wha? You’re actually normal? To be honest I kind of thought you were a Psychiatric hospital patient on the loose.

BATMAN

My mother says the same thing.

(The man in the nice suit comes out and points at Kinsie)

Looks like you’re up spidey! Knock em dead!

KINSIE

Great. Thanks.

(Kinsie gets up and leaves through the door)

(Blackout)

Act 2

 

Scene 2

 

SETTING:

Small Empty room, a desk and two chairs are set up.

AT RISE:

Two people are sitting in the chairs with nametags on the desk. One reads Arnold Trump, and the other says Lassie. The man in the suit leads Kinsie into the room and exists.

ARNOLD TRUMP

AH GOOD, another one, I like the look of this one, don’tcha Lassie?

(Lassie Nods in agreement)

KINSIE

Um hello, I’m Kinsie, I’m trying out for the pregnant Spiderman and I’m going to be reading a monologue from William Shakespeare’s As you like it

ARNOLD TRUMP

Let me just stop you for a moment! Who is this William Shakespeare that you speak of, Lassie do you know?

(Lassie shakes their head)

KINISE

Um, well he’s a pretty famous playwright, his plays have been performed countless times because he…

ARNOLD TRUMP

Fuck Shakespeare! This play will be legendary; it’s got action, romance, and lots of WALLS! Anyways please continue with your audition.

KINSIE

Oh, ok, I’ll do that then. (Clears throat) (Starts speaking dramatically)

Think not I love him. Though I ask for him;

Tis but a peevish boy; yet he talks well.

But what care I for words? Yet words do well

When he that speaks them pleases those that hear

It is a pretty youth; not very pretty

But sure he’s proud; and yet his pride becomes him.

Thank you.

ARNOLD TRUMP

(Tears rushing down his face)

That. Was. Glorious! What did you think Lassie?

(Lassie starts clapping their hands)

I think we have a great part for her right Lassie?

(Lassie gives a thumps up)

KINSIE

Wow! Oh my god! Thank you! What part would I have?

ARNOLD TRUMP

Well, nothing is set in stone, Except for walls of course! (chuckles to himself) But I think you would make a great Spiderman Satan Babyspawn!

KINSIE

What the fuck.

(Lassie growls)

ARNOLD TRUMP

Down Lassie! if the nice lady doesn’t want the part… and a cut of about 80 million dollars, that is certainly her choice.

KINSIE

80…80 MILLION DOLLARS! Ugh, I know I’m going to regret this… but Ok. I’ll do it.

ARNOLD TRUMP

YAY!

(The man in the suit comes in with Batman; Batman comes on stage with the pillow stuffed under his shirt)

BATMAN

(In Christian Bale voice)

I’M PREGNANT!

(End)