Cast of Characters
SETTING: A small empty room. A single chair. A small table. A cup of water and book are set up. It reads THE BOOK FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BIBLE, by Kayne West.
AT RISE: A women enters and sits in the chair. She picks up the book, shuffles through a few pages; sighs, and puts it down. She then rises from her chair and starts speaking directly to the audience.
I hate religion. And I don’t just mean in the Millennial Angsty kind of way of I hate religion. I mean that I Really hate religion.
(The women picks up the book again)
Let me tell you a story. Actually let me set the backdrop of the story by letting you know a little bit about me first.
(she takes a sip of water)
I was born in this shitty little town in Arizona, names Craigsville. Well, in Craigsville everyone has a real tendency to be an asshole; and I’m NOT talking just regular assholes. I’m talking REAL assholes. The kind that really gets up in your face and throws their farts around.
Anyways, most of the Craigsville assholes had a tendency to be very religious and pray to Jesus to solve all their problems. This coupled with my…(pauses) unfortunate stock in life, kind of gave me a bad childhood.
(a man from the audience shouts)
What? You wondering what my “unfortunate stock in life” was? WELL LET ME FUCKING TELL YOU.
I was born mute.
Yeah , yeah I know, you’re wondering how in hell I’m talking right now right?
I trained myself. Hellen Keller’d it, you might say.
(audience gasps again)
Anyways, from a very early age, I remember feeling different. Not just from my peers, but to everyone in this goddamn town. While they would all gather around in the church and pray in order to destroy “the gays” slash- multicultural people not represented as the cis white man….
I would be building things, reading books, and generally learning about the universe that surrounds our beautiful little planet.
(Women sits back in the chair)
Of course, this lead to being harassed by all the rednecks and racists. Even my own parents rejected me! But I didn’t care, I was going to change the world.
(The women then puts her arm on her knee)
That was.. Until, (pauses)
Alright, in order for you to fully understand what I’m about to tell you, you’ve GOT to have a bit of belief in the impossible. The Improbable! and the extraordinary.
(pauses again) ok, ready?
I discovered something. You see, out there in the pitch-black darkness of space, I found this star, except it wasn’t like any other star I had ever seen! It looked like it was made out of Nutella, it was shimmering so brightly in the night sky! Of course being the idiot that I am, I tried to get a closer look through my telescope. I went up to the roof of my house, set up my equipment on the edge, and looked through.
Now around 8:00 AM on the other side of the planet, a man named Pedro had decided to boil an egg. The smoke from his boiled egg filled up his house so much that it forced his Cat, Mr.Tribbles, to leave the residence. Mr.Tribbles decided to go for a stroll around the park that day, but in doing so he scared a bald eagle right out of its nest. This eagle traveled for 300 miles before finally needing to rest for the night, it went down to a nearby tree but it happened to scare an entire flock of birds. This flock of birds traveled for another 1000 miles before landing on a lawn. A businessman happened to be walking that morning and when he saw the flock of birds, he spilled his coffee all over his jacket. In a fit of rage, he went to the drycleaners to get it fixed, BUT There was a mouse family living in the hole in the wall at the drycleaners, when the machine was turned on, the entire mouse family was obliterated except for one single mouse. This sad mouse scurried along until it came to a rooftop….
(takes a sip of water)
Anyways, as I was looking through the telescope at the amazing nutella star, I felt something on my leg, I looked down and saw it was a mouse! I was so freaked out, that I tripped on the rooftop and fell to my death.
I get it, I get it, you’re wondering how I’m still alive right? (laughs) Let me tell you.
Have any of you heard the term, Biblical Anatomy? No? Good, I’m not the only one.
(A man in a dark suit gets up from his chair in the back and walks out)
Anyways, from what I gather, it has the meaning that some of us in the world, we have these.. I don’t know, powers or something. And apparently mine is come back from the dead. (pauses) Now I know you’re all skeptical, but hear me out.
See after I died on that rooftop, my lazy, good-for-nothing, religious radical of a father decided it was best to have grand old funeral at the town church. If I had my say, I would have been buried next to a Burger King.
So right as the pastor was saying his
“goodbyes” to me, I… woke up. Honestly I’m not sure If I was ever really dead… when I “came back” it kind of just felt like I had taken a long nap.
I opened up the coffin, obviously people were freaked, Aunt Betsy fainted, the Pastor went into anaphylactic shock. And my dad? Well he died. Buts ok because I was more alive then I’ve ever been!
(A man from the audience coughs)
Anywho, after all that shit happened, the townspeople, instead of getting medical attention to those that needed it, decided that I was the reincarnation of Jesus. They started singing songs about me, Praising the “return” ect, whole 9 yards. Well… I decided to roll with it. Let em have their fun, that’s when I found out I could do certain things…
(A man then shouts something)
Fat lies lady! You didn’t die!
Oh yes I did, how about I prove to you huh? Come on up here.
(The man comes on stage)
(Pulls out a shiny red pocket knife) You see this? (hands it to the man) Kill me.
(Holding the Pocket knife, in shock) What.
Kill me. I’ll be ok, I promise
(Still in shock) N..No. I don’t want to kill you. Not with a pocket knife anyway.
If you’re not going to kill me, then I guess you’ll just have to believe I was reincarnated. Now get the fuck off my stage.
(Man steps down and sits back down at his seat, shaking)
Right! As I was saying, I found out I could do… “Things”. I could control certain people… Burn certain objects, ya know, normal stuff.
At this point Craigsville was going crazy. People started burning cars in the street, lighting houses on fire. Holding… (shutters) The Bible, saying it’s the end of days and all that… Well after awhile I just could not deal with their crap anymore.
(Two people in the back of the audience get up and leave)
I decided I needed to do something… (pauses again) Hey sir!(Points to the people leaving) Where do you think your going?!
(They don’t turn around and leave out the back exit)
Ugh… I can’t stand people. Anyways where was I? Oh yeah! I decided I needed to do something. I gathered the town for a meeting; this was pretty easy, as I had now become their queen. Then I ordered them to hand me all of there bibl….
Where the Hell is this story going? I’m getting fucking bored back here. All you’re doing is talking about some random shit from your town, DO SOMETHING FOR CHRIST SAKE.
Oh… It speaks. Ok Mr.ImJustGonnaInterrupttheShow, come on up here again.
(Man gets up and joins the woman on stage)
Now hold this. (She Hands over THE BOOK FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BIBLE to the man)
What’s this for?
Oh. You’ll see. (Snaps her fingers, The book lights on fire. Man yelps and drops it)
WHAT THE HELL! You just burned Kayne West’s greatest novel! Plus, I’m pretty sure that’s just a cheap trick! You’re not fooling anyone! right guys? (Looks over at audience, they cheer)
You annoy me. (She snaps her fingers again, the man’s body lights on fire, He screams in pain for a couple of seconds then disappears in a cloud of ashes)
RIGHT! So as I was saying I ordered the town to hand over the all of the bibles, because ya know.. I really hate religion. They didn’t take to kindly to this however and my reign as their overlord was over. I had to get out of that town QUICK.
(Suddenly the doors from the back burst open with a loud THUD, A squad of five people dressed in hooded clothes with the letters MUFON appear, they are holding guns aimed at the women)
THERE SHE IS! Get her!
Don’t fucking try anything Izabella! These bullets are laced a potent form of Opium, they’ll knock you out.
(Bows in a exaggerated manor) Gentlemen, ladies. I think its high time I take my leave.
(looks at the squad) Relax, relax, I’ll come. Let me just grab my things. (She raises her hands above her head)
Thank you. And goodnight.
(All at once everything goes quiet, The entire audience raise form their chairs in unison, leaving only about 10-15 people. They walk over to the squad and surround them. The lights go out. A loud gunshot is heard)